Because “the internet is forever,” I continue to get interesting emails and communication about the Catholic moral teaching on the marital debt. A friend alerted me to the amusing fact that the content has come full circle: While in my first article on the subject I referred to questions on the topic on Reddit, my subsequent article is now referred to in some of the more recent posts about the marital debt on r/Catholicism on Reddit.
In a recent polite and thoughtful critique by email, someone suggested that I should address the fears and concerns that affect women, specifically, sometimes instilling deeply felt fears and altering their behavior in ways even they do not understand. We often forget that in the United States our culture has a puritanical bent, and healthy, bodily pleasures and desires are viewed with suspicion, often by default.
To these vestiges of purity culture, we can now add fears of the “manosphere,” that place where bros seem to feel compelled to utter such ludicrous claims as “every woman should have babies” and “men are superior beings” (au contraire, the “bachelor pad” has a bad reputation for good reason—and it’s not because men are superior beings in all respects).
There is much more that can be said on the subject of men embarrassing themselves on the internet, but we must restrain ourselves to the subject at hand: Women who are afraid of men because they think, perhaps not even consciously, that males are brutish and demanding.
First, we should acknowledge that women’s fears are not totally unfounded. Camille Paglia summarized it boldly when she said women should regard men with a mix of gratitude and rational fear. In theory, any woman could become Scheherazade, each night outwitting the murderous rage of King Shahryar only by her charm, spinning the tales of the “Arabian Nights.” Much as the feminists like to ignore it, physical reality and power dynamics assert themselves.
But do young women hold reasonable fears about the dreaded obligations of matrimony? At the risk of sounding pedantic, I feel inclined to draw an analogy. When a child comes to you with fears of monsters under the bed, if you nod with great seriousness and mix up a bottle of “monster spray” to be squirted about the corners of the room to ward off hairy meanies in the night, you have reinforced an unfounded fear.
What is reassuring to the child? Elaborate maneuvers to affirm their misapprehension of reality or the knowledge that there are calm and predictable adults who slumber soundly and without fear in the dark of a peaceful place?
There are many ways that misunderstandings of our own bodies and our most intimate relationships are not like fears of monsters. There are often real and painful shortcomings, insecurities, and a hounding sense of lack. Bad actors take advantage of children’s innocence and leave them with wounds that will likely remain for a lifetime.
And yet, is it helpful to speak of men in vague and scary abstractions? If women find themselves afraid of some vaguely defined manosphere monster who feels entitled to take advantage of his lawfully wedded wife, they should examine the moral caliber of the men they are dating and bring their fears to the glaring light of day. Either the men these women interact with are infantile (unfortunately, quite possible) or their prejudiced ideas about men are unjust (also possible).
My corresponding critic suggested that the means of healing young women of their fears is therapy. As is so often the case, this suggestion is presented as a necessary and unavoidable conclusion. I continue to argue that therapy is optional and sometimes even unhelpful. If there is a specific traumatic experience or relationship, if you have an exceptional therapist to work with, if you just have to give counseling a try because everyone says you “have to”: Go for it.
I have, however, witnessed too many people trapped in a cycle of seemingly cathartic revelations that amount to navel-gazing. Therapy seems in some cases to foment concerns with what is missing and what is not working and what could be better in our lives. There is a paralyzing terror that accompanies sitting still and talking about problems.
Of course, people will object, that’s not what therapy is supposed to be! Well, yes, but a therapist are mere mortal beings muddling along like the rest of us. The good ones can be helpful coaches, but there are other paths to wisdom. Too often, when “therapy” is the default response, people outsource their problem-solving and feelings to the “process” that is supposed to “fix them.”
Taking positive action can be an effective way of moving beyond many different mental difficulties. That is the course charted by many married couples before us, and the happy ones attest to its success.
Back to the monster fears analogy: happy married people can give the young and fragile courage to enter into matrimony and stay the course, fulfilling their vows and reaping the rewards of lifelong, faithful married love. Trying to soothe every fear of a woman who does not even know what she is afraid of can turn into a kind of coddling that reinforces irrationality and self-pity. Women (and men) must be discerning in selecting after whom they will model their lives, but there are people living out timeless wisdom if we have the eyes to see it.
Marriage should be both fun and enjoyable. Not in every moment, surely, but at least with some regularity. Christians like to fixate on the sufferings of their vocations. Indeed, in the Christian paradigm of our earthly life, to love is to suffer for the good of the other. However, there are also consolations and interior signs of sweetness that accompany our vocations. If it is miserable always, we are doing something wrong. The particulars are left to the discretion of individuals. Sometimes there will be great complexity, but the principles remain simple.
Pointing young women toward confident adults who have overcome obstacles, persevered, and found joy offers a way forward. A woman at peace with herself is not one who has not faced difficulty, but one who has found integrity untethered to fleeting circumstances and intimacy in which she is known and loved for who she is. That is a journey worth risking.
Yes, there is scary stuff out there, but taking a lighthearted approach can be a worthy and effective preference.
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